“So Are You Feeling Normal Now?”

When I was pursuing my Master’s degree, my first semester was really tough for me. I was in a new country (USA) and the culture shock probably hit me harder than I care to admit. I’m sure similar to many people across the world, living in a country where they don’t feel like they fit in, they look to the US as a country that would be more accepting. I was excited to be in the US for the first time. I was not there for any of the propaganda, because I was well aware that gold wasn’t found on the streets. I wasn’t excited about living in a country because I felt different but I was excited to be in a country where the majority spoke my first language. Living in Seychelles is pretty great too, the majority of people understand and can speak English to some degree- some groups of people are English-speaking too but there is still a lot of Creole. And of course, there’s nothing wrong with Creole, I can speak and understand it but it’s not the same. The way many Seychellois feel like speaking Creole when they are abroad, English is definitely my preferred language to speak, to listen to and to read.

My performance for the first semester was impacted by my mental health. I didn’t want to admit it but discussions with my fellowship director who had a child suffering from depression made me feel accepted. Depression is a very difficult topic to talk about because unless you suffer from it or talk to people who really get it, you will be left disappointed by how someone thinks you can just “take a nice hot shower” like a classmate of mine told me. A professor of mine who taught a subject I wasn’t doing too well in asked me a few months in if I was feeling “normal now”. What is normal? If someone suffers from depression and this is known, and they begin to “turn up” more often for classes, their friends and family etc. they are “normal now”? No. High-functioning depressives have a marvelous way of figuring how to mask depression- we first convince ourselves that if we “turn up”, we are better. So we turn up. Every day I find out more and more about myself and how I maneuver myself in life… I pile things on my calendar because this is what seems to be “normal”, also I feel guilty for any lack of productivity… whatever “productive” means and if I spend my time doing nothing (which is always my first choice), I feel like I am spiraling.

What can you do for someone who you know suffers from depression? Compassion is a good word thrown out there often. You might be “normal” and feel excited about things, feel happy to talk to other people and believe that you are in a position to give advice to people who aren’t doing as well as you mentally. You shouldn’t. Unless you have walked in our shoes, we don’t want to hear it from you. The best you can do is listen, and leave us alone. The worse thing about depression in my experience is the battle I have with myself. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, it’s that I cannot be in one. The highs are never high enough and the lows are very low. So imagine living a life where the only thing you want to do is nothing and you want to be accepted into a world where doing nothing is the worst thing you can do? Like I said, it’s hard to explain and hard to accept but if you know- you know!