Blog

The internet is still pretty slow. Some websites seem to be prioritized over others e.g. loading Netflix and Youtube isn’t a problem but loading this website to write a blog entry sometimes takes a while to load or gets stuck on loading. Last night I wanted to blog and waited for so long, I ended up going to sleep after watching a movie. My sister and I started watching “Memories of Murder” which is a Korean movie. The subtitles weren’t clear so we switched movies and watched “Nightcrawler” instead. My sister and I have started watching movies almost every night but we’ve had the worst luck with movies. Last night we watched “Leave the World Behind” which was as uninteresting as “Triangle of Sadness”. One would have thought that Julia Roberts being in the movie would have made it interesting but not for me. I guess Sandra Bullock still does a better job in keeping her movies much more interesting.

I’m vaping Vozol on zero right now. I’ve decided to try to wean off vaping and just try to get my health on track. I’ve not been doing a great job with snacking either. I struggle a lot with just trying to be healthy. Don’t get me started with rehydration. I usually drink a lot of water daily but these days I drink everything but. This morning I drank a caffeine tablet over my morning coffee (since I am out of the Nescafe Caramel 3in1). I’m not in the mood for any black coffee today. This is also the result of going cheap on coffee.

My mum arrives on Wednesday this week from Singapore. We made her buy a lot of durian snacks. Not many people I know like Durian but I love it. The smell doesn’t bother me and the taste is amazing. Other than the durian snacks, I’ve decided to avoid spending on snacks this week and focus on trying to get back into exercising. Really, there is no good excuse other than being a high-functioning depressive trying to pretend nothing is wrong with me. Apparently, the term “high functioning” is not recognized in mental health forums yet but it should be.

It’s 9.37am right now and at 1.30pm, I have to attend a Red Cross function at La Rosiere Primary school. This was where I studied when I was younger. They’re trying to revive Red Cross clubs in schools across Seychelles. It’s certainly a wonderful initiative and it’s nice for them to have invited me. Still, my depressive brain feels like I have no reason to go and it’s just going to add something to a day of mine where I would much rather be doing nothing. I know this is something many people don’t understand but as a depressive, the thought of just having to do something is hard sometimes. I know this can be confused with laziness but what if laziness doesn’t really exist? What if this is just a sign of depression? “Lazy” people don’t like having zero energy all the time. It’s hard to believe but it’s true- I’m sure of it. The world has little compassion for laziness so nobody wants to believe that having no energy or desire to do anything daily is a mental health issue. But that’s the reality many of us live. Imagine living life with no excitement to do anything- nothing feels rewarding. Is that a life?

My mother is an extravert. She loves life and finds even going for a ride exciting. I wish I had her zest for life but I realized at a very young age that I seem to be different. In university, I went through counseling and was given the option to either see a psychiatrist (after initial screening) or join group therapy. I chose the latter because after meeting a psychiatrist, I felt it was too “cerebral” for my liking.

I asked Copilot what “High-Functioning Depression is and here’s the answer I got:

“High-functioning depression” is a term often used to describe individuals who experience symptoms of depression but still manage to maintain their daily responsibilities and appear outwardly fine. This isn’t an official medical diagnosis but rather a way to describe a type of depression where the person can still function in their work, school, and personal life despite their internal struggles.

People with high-functioning depression might experience symptoms such as persistent sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, changes in sleep and appetite, and difficulty concentrating. However, they often hide these symptoms well, making it hard for others to recognize their condition.

It’s important to note that just because someone appears to be managing well doesn’t mean their depression is any less serious. Seeking help from a mental health professional is crucial for anyone experiencing symptoms of depression.”

I started this morning with a Nescafe Caramel 3in 1. I usually prefer my coffee black but I bought a pack of of 20 for SCR 105 and have been drinking that since. I got back on the vaping train around July and prefer vaping while drinking something sweet. It’s probably the worst habit I could have picked up again. I quit smoking in 2018 and I don’t really know why I decided vaping again would be a good idea- it never is. It’s not only an expensive habit but a very unhealthy one too. I am once again trying to quit but frankly, it’s more about the money than anything. I want to get back into exercising and vaping doesn’t help.

I woke up thinking of the movie I watched last night called “The Triangle of Sadness (2022)“. It was a very bizarre movie in my opinion and seemed to be all over the place like my blogging. I quick response on ChatGPT made it seem like the movie had many deeper underlying issues it was hinting though. It was interesting enough to watch for the hour+ it played.

I went through this argument people are having online about being childfree/ childless not being a flex. I don’t understand why on one hand, people without children in general can’t respect people with children and why people without children can’t respect people without. I myself don’t have children but I don’t waste my time trying to show it off because apparently… “it’s not a flex”? People with children cannot even fathom the idea that there is a population larger than we dare accept- that doesn’t want children… this includes people with children. My mother constantly reminds my siblings and I that if she could live her life again, she wouldn’t have children. She tells us this repeatedly and while sober. I decided at the age of 29 that contrary to believing that I always wanted children, whenever the opportunity came knocking, I said “hell no!”. I went against all the indoctrination and decided I never wanted kids in the first place. And this decision at 41 is still something I stand firm about. I cannot imagine having children- for many reasons. I sometimes even struggle to take care of my cat! Waking up in the morning just to feed a crying cat (if you know you know) is something my sister does for me because I simply put- am not cut out to wake up in the morning to feed him. It’s a fact- some of us struggle with life and as easy as it is to have kids, the lifetime responsibility of taking care of them is not everyone’s cup of tea. As mentioned, this isn’t a topic that’s debatable, just another one where we each have to learn how to respect other peoples’ life choices.

What do I have planned for the rest of the day? I downloaded Season 6 of “90 Day Fiance the Other Way” to spend the rest of my day watching and probably ironing my clothes and cleaning while I watch… yes, I am one of those people who still iron my clothes!

Business was great yesterday but pretty bad today. In Seychelles, when people have money, the retail industry knows it. When people don’t have money, we are probably the first to feel it. This is also one reason why I believe it is important for me to keep trying to secure consultancies… they put play money in my pocket and I really feel the need to take advantage of working while I still can. I don’t want to be in my 50s-60s and start feeling like my financial situation can never improve. Not everyone is capable of surviving with just their pension every month and especially not people who don’t own a house yet. And in Seychelles- many returning graduates don’t own homes… we stay with our parents (forever sometimes) or for those of us who prefer to rent- we rent… for a long time!